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food…the teenage interpretation…

April 5, 2015 , , , , , , ,

Zits-Food-comic-1fcc4edThis week I was reminded of the extraordinary and quite freakish extremes of the Teenage Appetite. I was privy to the making and consumption of Surely One Of The Most Epic Easter Chocolate Fondues In History…and this is how it went…

So the Year 11s and 12s have a brand new Senior Learning Centre, equipped with (and I LOVE this bit!) no stove top, and THREE microwaves, 2 of them in-built, and one additional one tucked in a cupboard. This is quality teenage philosophy and thinking at work here…because cooking via stovetop as a Year 11 or 12 is about as foreign as the concept of a mix-tape, walking to get places, or a world pre-Facebook.

On the last day of school, the senior students decided to try and hit comatose state solely through the means of sugar, butter + cocoa. Into an industrial-sized, heatproof oven dish went the following:

  • 1 x 500g giant Cadbury Dairy Milk block of chocolate
  • 1 x jar of Nutella
  • 3 x packets of Lindt chocolate (various flavours, but hey, it’s all good!)
  • 2 dozen packets of Cadbury Crème Eggs
  • 3 large fund-raiser Caramello Koalas

This bounty of goodness was then MICROWAVED into a sickening sludge of molten chocolate goo, whereby 3 dozen packets of Baker’s Delight CHOC-CHIP hot cross buns were produced, ripped into bite-sized chunks, skewered onto pencils (non-lead end) and devoured, fondue-style.

I was a mixture of grudgingly impressed at the ingenuity, horrified, mesmerised wonder at the extreme consumption of sugar, and total amusement at what was deemed “a perfectly legitimate snack” in teenage eating terms. cg52c63e9a85efcSo I thought this would be an ideal time to recount all the hilarious, awesome, disgusting, and just plain weird things I’ve seen come out of students’ bags masquerading as “lunch”. Some by choice, others by unfortunate default (fridge, time constraints, mistaking a broccoli for an apple…you know, the usual food struggles…!), with all of them actual sightings, and very, very funny.


  • A whole loaf of bread + a jar of Vegemite. Kid dipped bits of bread into the jar and ate it NEAT
  • A jumbo can of Milo + a salad serving spoon
  • A head of raw cauliflower
  • A head of lettuce + a squeezy bottle of mayonnaise
  • A head of broccoli
  • A family-sized block of Cadbury Milk Chocolate
  • A block of feta cheese, also eaten neat, followed by a Dr Pepper
  • A whole roast chicken
  • A can of whipped cream, sprayed on water-crackers + eaten
  • A whole pizza, a block of cheese + a grater
  • A whole FAMILY-SIZED pizza, lined with Doritos, rolled up + eaten like a giant burrito
  • A 3 litre carton of Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee
  • A packet of fortune cookies. The kid in question forgot about the “fortune” inside the cookies until about his 4th cookie…
  • A whole box of Salada Crackers + a jar of peanut butter
  • A jar of peanut butter and a fork (good work, Einstein)
  • A jumbo sandwich bag filled with 11 Weetbix + a one litre cartoon of milk. No spoon…
  • A dozen apples, still in the industrial packet
  • A can of beetroot and a can-opener
  • Spam and a spoon
  • A can of chickpeas
  • A jar of hundreds and thousands, a tub of margarine + a loaf of bread…this one I actually GET!
  • A jar of pickles

As you can see, all the students I have known in the past 12 years have eaten superbly. cg500888d615f7a

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