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dear substitution lesson gods, here’s what i think…!

June 8, 2015 , ,

temper-tantrum-cartoonThis entry was written at the end of my first frantic 3 weeks of school. While I am now carrying myself with some sense of decorum and poise, my “love” of substitution lessons has not diminished in any way, shape or form.

Monday, Week 10: So I have survived my first 3 weeks of full-time work, and not without some cracker stories to tell. But I’ll start with this…

Only 3 weeks old, and the wording of this was starting to piss me off…in the way that a Year 8 knows exactly how to get under your skin with the right combination of words.

I’m at the stage where every minute counts, where I haven’t scratched myself in days, where if I don’t pee in the morning I’m absolutely and totally screwed, and where every spare minute is spent figuring out where I’m supposed to be, or what I’ve forgotten. And staying calm. And remembering undies. And to shower in the morning.

And then, this appears at 7:04am in the morning:


A substitution lesson, oh so politely negotiated too!

Dear Annie,

You have been selected to complete the following substitution lesson.

I naively thought that I would somehow be exempt from substitution lessons for at least the first 3 manic weeks of arm-flailing in my teaching career in my new “home”; that somehow the Substitution Gods would realise that I might need to rehydrate, or run through the building site to the toilets on the floor below because I’m not a camel and I can’t just store excess moisture for an additional 72 hours, and I can’t just hold it in and that my bladder is severely out of practise anyways…! I thought…

I clearly thought wrong.

And then, there was the wording. The ever so pristine, and preppy, perfectly procured, officially polite but absolutely mocking…

…”you have been selected”…



“Selected” resonates with promise and good!

“Selected” is full of potential!

“Selected” comes from the land of “hope”!

“Selected” implies all things good and bounteous!

“Selected” is IN MY FAVOUR!





And it really REALLY is not, because I don’t even know where half the departments are in the school! If there were a fire drill, I’d be following the kids out right now! I’m three weeks old in this job! I’m on the L-plates that come before the L-plates. I’m on the über L-plates!

This is murder of joy and light, sanity and time in the highest degree!

No, Substitution Gods, THIS is how it should read:

YOU SUCKER. You woke up late, and you’re scrabbling to get ready. So we though we might hit you with one of these.

YOU DREW THE SHORT STRAW, YOU MOLE! You now get to give up 50 minutes of your time that you would have spent eating, sleeping, hydrating, hiding, and so forth to go supervise a class who don’t know you (but NONE of the school knows you anyways!) full of kiddies that you’ll probably have to peel off the walls.

This may masquerade as a mass-generated email, but really…really…we know it’s you, and we want to make your life as interesting as possible. As full as possible. As challenging as possible. Let’s put you through the hoops! Jump, Kwokkie, jump!

If I read that language, I’d probably think…”Yep, okay…that sucks, but I have to do it.”

Okay, Substitution Gods, you may laugh AT me for now. I’m laughing at my own haphazard hurricane of movement at present!

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