littlecolourfulteacher

littlecolourfulteacher

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in flow…a beautiful conversation

January 1, 2016 , , , , , , , ,

Piano

I have been playing the piano a lot recently, and it feels totally new even though I’ve been playing since I was 4 years old. I sat down and started playing on the first day of my school holidays, just because I could, and have found myself drawn back each day, just because there was no expectation.

The old discipline is there, the technique, the mathematical precision. That old rigour is something I stretch into so easily and willingly.

But there is a new, tiny breath of life…something that resonates within my very self. In my words, the unspoken, that arrives right through my fingertips through the keys…

I’m playing like it’s a conversation, listening and responding, hearing new nuances, creating new understanding.

I can feel myself navigating the corners of each piece, wanting to find the right colour, having an absolute sound in my ears that I want to create.

I am shaping phrases the way I look for words, like a language that I am practising, like allowing each note to be held and then slip through my fingers like cool beads, like water, translucent and free.

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I can feel the smooth solidness of the keys underneath my fingertips, and there is no anxiety, shame, fear, sadness, or grief…just pure communication. A thread of consciousness.

In all the exploring and discovery, the messiness is beautiful to me. Because I have an intimate understanding of it. Like me, I know exactly where I am heading, and if not, that I will get there through navigating exactly this moment.

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In the last few weeks, I have travelled through more beautiful sounds and perfect silences than in all my university years. I didn’t have the maturity or the courage to ask for the boundaries to allow this love to flourish. And now, as I sit with this conversation between myself + the piano, my mind and my creation, everything seems so new. With this new conversation, there is a “small shy truth” that arrives, to nestle in my heart. A new flower in the middle of the concrete desert. How did it take this long for me to have this conversation?

I’ve been working toward this for so many years…I have delighted, I have skinned my knees, I have played and rehearsed for countless hours, but why do I feel such freedom now?

It’s because this conversation is through the momentum generated purely by me. Time flows, and time also paradoxically stands still. I am not afraid of the challenges, I am not afraid of the imperfections…I can see what they will become with great insight and practise.

This is my conversation now.

I am joyful.

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