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struggle, hardship, and joy

April 19, 2017 , , , , , ,

With time in the holidays, I am spending glorious stretches of time with family and friends, and my heart is full. And I was thinking about these interactions, these beautiful, playful, tender moments, I realise that everyone’s life has hardship and grief. The story is consistent and the same. I am no more special or different, or exempt from struggle. And while I don’t invite it, I would not want it to be any other way. Because without struggle, I will never overcome and experience true beauty and grace, I’ll never have to wonder, or never have the buoyancy of hope that lifts me up on the days that just unfold, nondescript. Everyone absolutely needs to grow to live a good life.

I am afraid of the most ridiculous and tender things. The day that I won’t be able to have a conversation with my gentle, intellectual, kind-hearted Dad. Watching my tiny little Mum carry a cast iron wok into the house, and realising that I want all those tastes and memories, and that I must practise them to treasure them, because one day I’ll be making them for her because she won’t be able to. The day that I hold that fragile little body in my arms that is so bursting with life right now. That I must stand my own ground every day, and I wonder, do I have to walk alone? I am living a good life, I know this, and a beautiful one, but will I always have that courage? Will I always be beautiful inside, even when my vitality disappears and my colours fade? I hope so much I have that courage.

The thing is, I have to keep living. One day at a time. Loving, living, hoping, dreaming, creating. I have to do it all. I have to fight for each minute some days, and other days, I just need to keep living well. When I am faced with my fears, I need to know that I have the heart and courage to keep walking. That I am, indeed, courageous and beautiful, and I will never stop being that.

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