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no one puts (authentic, vulnerable, and courageous) baby in the corner. full stop.

April 28, 2017 , , , , , , , , ,

I took a “whumping” today. I did EIGHT hours of piano sight-reading for a full run of a musical today. But that wasn’t the “whumping” part. I said yes to it wholeheartedly, even though I knew it would be hard, nay, I knew that it would SUCK. I knew I’d be working hard, I knew that I wouldn’t know the show well enough to be able to really support and help those darling students, who desperately needed to have that strong support. But I did the absolute best that I could, and I knew this.

But I’m ruffled up. So ruffled up. Because all that was said to me was, (jokingly, of course, why wouldn’t it be?), “Are you having fun yet?” and, “Makes you really appreciate repetituers, doesn’t it?” I was deflated, even when I knew I shouldn’t be.

And it’s because I wasn’t seen and valued for the sheer courage and pure try that I was putting in that I was so deflated. That is was assumed that, because I work hard and that I’m usually so affirminlyly positive, that I would be okay, that this would be a laugh, that I’m invincible. Oh, DEAR GOD, I am NOT. I weigh it all up and AGAINST the better impetus of my well-prepared, “recovering perfectionist” self, I said yes for the greater good. I said yes because I thought I would be useful and helpful.

Just a slight dig, just a small laugh at my expense. No effing way. NO ONE gets to laugh when I’m being tender. NO ONE puts Beautiful Authentic Vulnerability and Courage in the corner.

Full stop, Baby.

And then something magical happened. I realised I stood independent from anything except my own sense of self-worth and moral compass. I don’t want for the good opinion of this careless individual, I can build my own judgement. I’m not hanging on their every word, and nor do I want for their good opinion. What I WANT is to work hard, and if that happens to line up with their values, well and good.

How free I felt when I realised this. Tired, but very, VERY free.

So let me say, openly, to The World:

Please, take care of the tender-hearted, and know that we are all so much more fragile than we show.

That it takes such courage to be tender and to give of our selves, and of our talents.

That the path to rising up is hard, but it’s the one that I want (lubricated by wine).

Don’t pay out the “courage of try”. Don’t laugh, for God’s sake. It’s too tender and fragile and beautiful.

Notice the humanity; notice the tiredness, the tenderness, the vulnerability.

And for the tender-hearted, continue to be so. The world needs you. The chocolate industry needs you. And the wine industry benefits, too.

I have been whumped, but I have to words to lift up my heart. That I dared to give this 2-dimensional person so much more credit than they deserved…well, let me give that right back to me, baby!

Now that I’ve progressed through half a packet of Haigh’s dark chocolate almonds, I’m moving on to a nice glass of soul-soothing red and an overstuffed, dribbling, cheese quesadilla.

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