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emotional nerd…stand your own sacred ground

May 2, 2017 , , , , , , , ,

I have decided, unequivocally, that I want to be a nerd. Actually, I decided that ages ago academically, but I mean nerdy in the emotional sense.


I mean this. I don’t want to be clever with other peoples’ emotions. I don’t want to have to be clever with mine. I just want to be, exactly as I am.

I don’t want to be particularly witty, or savvy, or on the cutting edge of irony. Heck, I don’t even want to be on the cornerstone of Sarcasm and Streetwise. I just want to be authentic. If I happen to accidentally be witty, or savvy, or on the cutting edge of irony, or my internal GPS takes me to the paved crossroads of Sarcasm and Streetwise Roads, well and good. I highly doubt it though, given that I can walk headlong into a pun, and then keep going for a good 30 seconds before I realise that the world around me is laughing at me, not near and with me.

What I mean to say is this; I am done playing emotive games. I don’t want to speak cleverly to one person to gain their good opinion, or exert extra energy trying to be anything that I’m not. I don’t want to be loud, or the one cracking every joke, or laughing raucously, or the one that nails those sophisticated one-liners.

I want to talk to connect.

I want to string words together like ribbons building connections, not cut with them. I want my words to have weight and worth, not be thrown about like confetti. And so help me, if I cannot speak kind words, then let me not speak at all. Let the silence spell out my authenticity and compassion, even if it is hard with boundaried protectiveness.

I want to speak with warmth.

I want to allow pictures to come forth from my words, and to enjoy the shared thread of communication. I don’t want to do a toe-tapping number, emotionally or linguistically.

I want to speak because I am human, and I have something to share.

I want to tell my story.

I want to create meaning.

I want to be lit up with integrity, and I want to spell every one of those beams of light.

I want my words to resonate with love.

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