littlecolourfulteacher

littlecolourfulteacher

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if i were more courageous…

October 6, 2017 , , , , , , , ,

If I were more courageous, I would engage in the conversation more. I’d not be afraid for daily interaction, and daily discourse that ruffled me up and left me shook. I would dare to voice opinions more often that could create waves. But I engage with conversation just enough right now. I walk along with a quiet resonance that is a little on the safe side.

If I were more courageous, I would back the stronger opinions, rather than just putting things into words. I would follow ideas with actions, rather than just the quiet background support. I would risk more, even if it meant being in the frontline. I understand there is only so much a person can do, and there are plenty of other things I am in the frontline for. But my goodness, there are other people who are heroes even when they don’t mean to be…and it’s because they step up and follow intent with actions, and step into the frontline, even if they are afraid.

If I were more courageous, I would adopt a child. I would fulfil my core of core hearts and become a mother, because that is a love I have had all my life. I am afraid of so much here; what my family would think even though it is not their choice, if I had the energy and love to spend after a long day at work, if I could bear this child not being my own biological child, and the grief that inevitably would come with that, that would need mourning. As it is, I am mother hundreds of times over, to so many other children and young people who I teach. But my heart and desire are human and selfish; I don’t want a 2nd-place caddy prize on this one, even though I carry this grief with grace, courage, strength, and pure love.

If I were more courageous, I would ask. I would ask for more. I would expect more from the world and myself. I expect so much already, and so easily and joyfully, but I would ask with more focus and direction. And more implicitly, I would put in to exact words what I needed to fly, to be loved, to be cherished, to be happy. As it is, I am so extraordinarily joyful; I feel so lucky in so many innumerable ways. But the practice of asking for exactly what is required and setting boundaries…wow, there are days I fall short.

If I were more courageous, I would be still more often. I am not afraid of myself, but I am moving more often than not. I wonder if I could be with myself for longer than a school holiday? I wonder if my mind and heart and self could cope with not having something to be industrious about? Would I feel obsolete, or at peace?

But…

BECAUSE I am courageous, I infect each day with pure joy, even when I don’t want to, I can’t help but find humanity and joy. Because of the example of all my teachers and mentors, I know that I am deeply loved, that I am free to make mistakes, and that I really DO engage with life from a place of pure worth and joy. I cannot help but be excited by learning and life, and when I am left to my own devices, my own equilibrium is joyful engagement. I find it easy to be industrious, to be interested, and to connect with others when I am rested and feeling healthy.

BECAUSE I am courageous, I keep walking. I keep walking with more grace than I understand, sometimes. I am 37 years old and I did not expect to be here, and yet, I have travelled, felt, and achieved more than I could fathom. The truth of the matter is, I may never be a mother, a wife, or raising a family in the traditional sense. And it breaks my heart. But I am ALIVE. I am unbelievably ALIVE, and I have work to do, love to live for, and a life to love.

BECAUSE I am courageous, I rock the colours. Colours, stripes, spots, patterns, bold and beautiful. Wearing these outfits so joyfully allow me to love my students and share of my joy; and it sounds ridiculous, but I know that what I do each day, how I teach, how I approach life, and the example I give, makes a difference. I affect my students heartfully, and I am so glad for that responsibility.

BECAUSE I am courageous, I am unafraid of standing independently. I have been practising this for ages. Every time I come up against struggle or failure, grief, opposition, sadness, or petty weakness, I stand quietly. I find my compass. I listen. And I walk with my face upturned, no matter how much I quake inside. I am unafraid of walking my own path, because it feels absolutely right and resonates.

BECAUSE I am courageous, I live a life of meaning and joy.

Thank you for a heart that works so joyfully.

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