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the light that shines to overflowing

October 15, 2017 , , , , , , , , , , ,

Have you ever felt vaguely off and sidelined? That somehow, just by walking through your day and trying to do the right things, there are people reacting to you in a slightly “off” manner? That they are not seeing you for who you are, that there is the vaguest whisper of misunderstanding, and you want to explain yourself, but you don’t know how to?

That’s how I feel right now. I know that I’ve walked through today with love, compassion and integrity. But I just feel uncomfortably not right. Like I’m being seen through a filter that I didn’t ask for. Actually, that’s exactly it. I’m being seen through a filter of preconceptions – or misconceptions – that I haven’t asked for, that just slightly put my integrity off kilter. It’s not enough for me to want to explain myself, but it is enough for me to feel a little tired. I know that I have to work a little harder for my true character to shine through, to correct the misconceptions, to step in, to let my actions speak clearly and firmly, to restate my boundaries. All the things that keep you a little on edge.

I wish so much that I didn’t have to.

So I took my slightly-off-key self home tonight and wondered what I would like to do.

First, I’m proud of how I walked through today. I just kept re-drawing the boundaries, over and over, until misconceptions were softened and I was seen. By the end of 3 hours of rehearsal, I could feel the change. I knew I had done the right thing. But the opening credits of today were hard. Walls were up, eyes downcast, and I was uncomfortable without asking to be. I just kept working with the task at hand, all pride and ego aside, quietly holding tight to my compass through the dark.

Should I explain myself? Should I jump right in and bulldoze my way into understanding? Actually, this is my instinct. ME, ME, ME, listen to ME right now, because WHAT YOU’RE THINKING IS WRONG! But I need practise at leaning into discomfort. So I figure this:

My character is as true as they come. If there is a hard line there, it’s meant to be there. The boundaries are hard-won, and my compassion is alive always. What I ask for myself is that I work SO hard to look after MY HEART ONLY. I will NOT look over at the lowered eyes, the misunderstandings, or the slights. I will ONLY walk my steps, live my life, and follow my compass. I will be swayed, oh yes! I’m utterly human! But I will bend in the wind, and then pull myself back on course. I will walk on my path, in my own lane, doing all the things that are what I would choose to do in integrity, compassion, and love. I will match my character over and over. 

Because my life and how I live is proof enough of who I am. My LIFE is my EXAMPLE and MESSAGE, and even if that means walking through ache and discomfort for a while, I cannot help but been COMPLETELY SEEN if I do things that I know to be right. I cannot be what I am not, I cannot undo hurts and misunderstandings, I cannot soften hard lines that should be there because they are decisions I have made. But I have a HEART THAT WORKS, and I know that I am constantly learning to be the best version of me that I can. Therefore, let me fill myself up so that I am FULL TO OVERFLOWING, so that there is NO MISTAKE of my intent, my character, and my integrity. 

Let the world, and all the doubters, see me for all that I am simply through me living my life without apology or sacrifice.

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