You can scroll the shelf using ← and → keys
You can scroll the shelf using ← and → keys
My draft report comments are freakin’ DONE. I can’t promise coherency or even complete sentences, but there are WORDS for EVERY KID. Some even meet the character requirements.
Now believe me when I say I’m not trying to win any gold-star awards here, this is simply damage control for the weeks ahead for the up-coming music performances + concerts which obstruct my lovely clear pathway to holidays.
Current state: “Ha?! You speak-a the Engrish to me? I go over here to good drinking the nice wine!”, while my sorry-arse linguistic abilities recover from overuse.
“I no successful the Engrish speaking, one moment prease…”
(I can, I’m Asian. 😂)
Let me break down report writing:
Depending on the term, it’s writing a 5000 to 10000 word essay under EXTREME pressure, when you are completely and utterly exhausted from the term of teaching and are hating life anyway.
You have a critical audience of approximately 250 students and (even more alarmingly) 500-ish parents who are all deeply interested in DIFFERENT 200-300 word increments of said academic essay. So you can’t even throw in a random half-page quote to haze your audience. You have to write at absolute premium quality for the WHOLE DAMN ESSAY.
If you don’t utilise that thesaurus of “student-focused + encouraging” words, you can be damn sure you’ll be fielding a phone call from an irate parent as to why you described their precious darling as “conscientious” rather than “dedicated”.
YOU CAN’T EVEN WRITE WHAT YOU WANT. You have to spend your time scrupulously veiling your true thoughts into positively-bent, passive-aggressive pointers of “forward-thinking encouragement”.
The final report is like white bread: refined as all hell with all the good stuff processed out, leaving only the fluffy white stuff.
Happy report writing!
An oldie but a goodie…the happy capsicum I cut into at the end of 2013, after the most soul-sucking of report-writing weeks. The Capsicum Gods knew I needed a laugh!
“Your son Maximilian”, I would write, “is a total wash-out. I hope you have a family business you can push him into when he leaves school because he sure as heck won’t get a job anywhere else.”
Or if I were feeling lyrical that day, I might write, “It is a curious truth that grasshoppers have their hearing organs in the sides of the abdomen. Your daughter Vanessa, judging by what she’s learnt this term, has no hearing organs at all.”
I might even delve deeper into natural history and say, “The periodical cicada spends six years as a grub underground, and no more than six days as a free creature of sunlight and air. Your son Wilfred has spent six years as a grub in this school and we are still waiting for him to emerge from the chrysalis.”
A particularly poisonous little girl might sting me into saying, “Fiona has the same glacial beauty as an iceberg, but unlike the iceberg she has absolutely nothing below the surface.”
SO many times I have absolutely wanted to quote Roald Dahl…but alas, I am not the literary wit that he is…and I also need to eat! Teachers have a unique language when it comes to writing reports, with a “twilight zone” between what they write as to what they actually mean. The following descriptions have been collected from all the wonderful + long-suffering teachers I have worked with at Brighton Secondary School + the Conservatorium High School, who have this down to a fine art, and a couple of gems I have refined over the years….!
|Bubbly||Doesn’t shut up, verbal diarrhoea.|
|Energetic||Cannot sit still.|
|Innovative||Doesn’t seem to be able to process + follow instructions.|
|Has participated in every lesson||Very likely without cracking a smile, being engaged, or handing in any work…therefore this is the only thing I can truthfully + in good conscience write about them.|
|Has attempted every task||But have I actually seen anything to mark? Nup.|
|Has made consistent progress||Extremely consistent. That is, none.|
|Recalcitrant||Meaning: “Having an obstinately uncooperative attitude towards authority or discipline.” Is point-blank what needs to be said, but wrapped up in a fancy word which may buy the student 3-10 seconds more life while their parents Google it.|
|Has unique individual taste||Needs to pull their skirt out from between their butt cheeks or return the shorts/pants that are 11 sizes too big and buy a belt.|
|Creative approach||Does everything but the task at hand.|
|Extremely thorough + meticulous||Anal-retentive.|
|Needs to develop the ability to respond with more detail||Needs to answer using complete sentences.|
|Would benefit from a regular routine||Doesn’t practise. EVER.|
|Would benefit from some new repertoire to further extend their skills.||I have heard the same piece for the past semester and I have memorised the chord progression, written an alternative one in my head and a cool little counter-melody. Would you like to hear it?|
|Forward||Is right in your face.|
|Confident||Is like a foghorn in the middle of the room + has no concept of how to listen, or indeed, that other students exist.|
|I look forward to teaching your child||I’ve never met your kid! They never made it to a single bloomin’ lesson! That’s talent!|
Over to you…do you have any literary moments of genius to share?